Two years! Two bloody years since my life changed so dramatically!
Wow and what a two years it’s been. Am I till adjusting post relationship breakdown? Life Adjustment?
It’s been very good and very bad all rolled into one, it’s been a roller coaster trust me :-).
Life has adjusted somewhat (to say the least!) and I’m doing some great stuff, living a full and free life.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – life is tough but oh so precious.
We must live it and live it well and to the best of our ability, we must not waste it.
Still adjusting post relationship breakdown? I guess I am….
I feel in total torment most of the time. I’m having great fun this mixed with some, quite honestly lonely times.
I finally feel like a grown up, yes finally (at 51!!) Supporting myself, doing a lot of stuff alone and being ok with that.
Right now I’m sat in the Sofitel at Gatwick having just dropped off my car and waiting to fly off in the morning. And that’s when it’s soooooo odd.
It’s really bizarre, I travel a lot on my own for business and quite honestly I love that, I like the solitude, the freedom to do as I please and I’m confident in travelling alone – no issues, easily and calmly amusing myself in other countries.
BUT THEN when it’s my time, when it’s holiday time and I’m doing it alone, I feel odd / strange.
I can’t quite explain the feeling. I was speaking to my best friend about it earlier and she was really surprised that I felt like this (I guess I put on a good act).
It’s strange how people assume it’s so easy for me or that I’m totally fine with it? To be fair I am most of the time.
Last week was my Board Meetings at work and we did some lovely stuff, amazing actually and I’m very lucky I know. BUT I was alone and it hit me. This feeling…… where I feel odd and then it finally hit me as to WHY and now I know.
It’s when I repeat events that in the past we did as a twosome! Then it hurts – memories flood back.
Today it hurts
Today it hurts – we always valet parked and stayed in the Sofitel before holidays. (I’m so bloody sensitive and sentimental).
We had traditions, routines etc.and a lot of them. When you reenact those events, alone – that’s when it sucks. That’s when my tummy flips.
So is the moral of the story to change the format?
Well maybe. Or is it to carry on regardless – that’s what I do???? Why should I change what I do or how I do it?
I’ve also noticed that it’s worse when I’m stressed, tired or just preoccupied with other stuff and I am right now, are you the same?
Still adjusting… & it’s tough.. on your own
So I’m here sipping my Sipsmith Gin and eating my food, alone and you know what I was tempted to have room service, then I thought no, go to the bar, the restaurant and do your normal stuff. So here I am…. quite content.
And I’m ready to meet my friend in the morning and jet off for a few days ….. and it’s all ok
To breathe and chill – and I cannot bloody wait
So it seems I’m still adjusting post relationship breakdown but it does get easier? Life Adjustment I guess
Have you holidayed alone? Or do you travel alone…. Do you love it or hate it?
I’d love to know
And if you are wondering where all this started then maybe catch my first ever relationship post Affairs of the Heart
It might all make a tad more sense
Big Love Cx
Life Adjustment
Sara Lane
Clare, you’re so brave sharing all of this. It’s so easy to put on an act, pretend we’re not lonely or scared or out of our comfort zone – and I’m sure none of those people in the bar with you would have an inkling that you feel like this – you always look so fab and confident.
It’s always amazing what goes on under the surface – which is a lesson to us all to be kind and not judge by appearances.
Enjoy your evening and enjoy your break. xx
Clare x
Thanks darling – I’m actually having a lovely time 🙂 xxxx
Tim
Hello you I always think of you at this time of the year
Tim
Hello you I always think of you this time of year
Jen Cash
Clare, I remember reading the original post about your breakup at about the same time as my own marriage was in meltdown. I loved how you managed to express exactly how I was feeling, so much so that I book marked the post to come back to later.
Reading this post I am reminded how far I’ve come (as well as you!) – it took my ex 2 and half years to stop contesting every single thing in the divorce proceedings, and that really put me through it. I was eventually treated for PTSD resulting from the narcissitic, controlling behaviour that he put me through.
Much as I was devastated (at the time) by him ending our relationship, I know (now) that I am so much better off without it, back to almost being me, albeit not the same me that fell for him initially. I have deliberately removed myself from his life, not spoken to or heard from him in 2 years now, and that’s fine.
I love the life I have now, living back in the village I grew up in (rural North Yorkshire, James Herriot country if you read his books?), doing a job I adore, playing in brass bands with some of the best people I know. Far from losing friends in the breakup I have more of them and better relationships with them all. I’m not dating yet, I don’t think I can – maybe the right person will come along, maybe they won’t. Either way I’m ok with that.
Really this was just to say thank you for that original post, and to say to anyone else in a similar position that keeping going, even with baby steps, or crawling, you’ll get out the other side in time.
Clare x
Oh this has made my day xx it’s still tough – but it’s ok xx
Glad to hear you are doing well lovely xx