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Dear diary – Do I deserve this? Really?

Dear diary…… Do I deserve this? Really?

Hey I’m sat on a plane again and I feel the need to waffle – here goes and I’m wondering ‘Do I deserve this?”

Time for an update on this little life! I do this almost as much for myself as anyone and you guys get the chance to read it… I hope you enjoy! And I hope it resonates

So the last 2.5 years have been tough emotionally! I think that’s all I need to say…..

A devastating breakup, a move, a total upheaval of everything that was normal for me! A massshoooosive birthday milestone too. A baby grandson…… It’s been a tough road, but littered,  I’m pleased to say with amazing highlights! I have so much to be thankful for.

2019 – has been a BEAUT so far! 19 days in and things are on the up! I’m busy but very happy – a nod to romance too (ooo I said the R word 😀) I’m not temping fate but cross your fingers guys xxxx more of that at a later date ….

So 2.5 years later, where am I?! What’s happening? Can one recover form the depths?! Can one establish a totally new life? Well bloody hell yes, right now it seems so!

Today I’m a happy lady. Most things in my life are in order. I’m charging ahead with life trying to live each day and not run so fast I don’t see anything and miss something ( I need to work on this). I do a huge amount of stuff alone, big decisions alone. No partner in crime to discuss with anymore. BUT and here it is, you improvise, you find new confidants. Best friends, family and you run the big stuff past them and it’s ok – it’s good in fact! And I have my life and business coach / Angela – thank you for helping me sort the muddle in my head and giving me the space….

So I have finally done it! Taken the plunge – pressed GO on a heavy investment on my home! Bitten the bullet and said yes to the Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Kitchen extension. OMG OMG #EPLSKITCHEN

I have quietly agonised over it, what if, what if? Sleepless nights even! Where’s my back up? What if… but and here’s the difference, now I’m strong enough and confident enough to do it and sod them all! Taking educated risks with money – looking at investments, my career and I decided – if I don’t do it now I never will! And why not? I’ve worked my ass off for more than 30 years, never having more than 10 days off in a row (bloody madness) never having children of my own??? So it must be ok – yes? So bugger it I’ve done it. ( the council tried to stop me – 3 times 😳 – but I persevered and finally, with amendments, I got a yes, phew!

So Jan 7th it began and I could not be happier with my decision, it took me a long time to make it, but I’m elated, excited at the possibilities. Do I deserve this?

You can probably tell I overthink, I look at the worse case scenario always and ask myself – can I handle that? If the answer to that is yes then……. I do it. Is that something you do? Or am I just plain weird?

So what am I trying to say here / what am I trying to let you know? Well I guess I’m saying it’s possible to recover  (when you categorically believe you will not). It’s ok to be alone, to make massive decisions alone, and to be very happy with that. I’m a changed person! Still a manically busy nutter for much of the time. (Old dog new tricks – nah) But a happy, kind, good hearted one I hope, I try anyway….

My 2019 do date has been amazing (fingers crossed it continues) – I cannot wait to show you around the new kitchen (and actually the whole of the downstairs, moving loos, lounge, pantry and cloakroom). You know me – I never do things by halves…

 

So thanks to Jane, Dolly, my mum, my bro (who prods me for the right reasons and he’s always bloody right 😘) My amazing builders A G Hugo Limited  – who are making my build stress free! And to the next exciting phase – DeVOL Kitchens – bring it on!

I will have a social space to entertain. To cook, drink, talk and laugh with the people I love! Finally! I’ll have a light airy space to work! A place to blog and vlog and photograph my food! Supper clubs, cookery days – bloody hell – I’m pinching myself right now.

I often wonder- do I deserve it ?! But then I think back to the weeks, months, years of hard graft! The work times away from home and the stresses and strains of all that!

The conclusion I come to is – WHY NOT – we are only here once!

So I’m almost in Copenhagen going to see my amazing friend Inger to celebrate many decades of friendship and collaboration – the A team is rocking Copenhagen! (well maybe not rocking – but enjoying)

So to anyone on a heartbreak journey – it will and has to be ok, time marches on and although we crawl for a while, we then get up and march…. that’s the key – nothing stays the same

Amen to that xxx

Do I deserve this? Really? – well maybe just maybe I do…..

Big love Clare x

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Comments

Sara Lane says:
Exciting times! Well done and good luck Clare! Xx
Sandra says:
You must definitely do! You go girl x
Janice says:
My marriage broke up at about the same time as yours and I have found comfort along the way from your blog. It has often resonated and although I have had different challenges on the way, I too stand proud and empowered albeit alone. We are always much stronger than we think and I wish you every success with your new ventures and the romance! X
    Clare x says:
    Thanks Janice xxx good luck too - you are right - we are always stronger than we think x
Amanda says:
Fabulous empowering read !! Stepping out into the unknown is how we grow and truly find who we are ( under no ones shadow!) Supper clubs / cookery days can’t wait to get my name down! Yes you derserve goodness and happy days ahead xx
Angela says:
Go Girl! We all deserve happiness in our one precious life. You’ve taken action to make things happen, you’ve been objective and kept perspective and youre grateful for what you have. Great to see you fly #becauseyoureworthit - we all are. X
    Clare x says:
    You have given me clarity in every aspect of my life Angela - for that i'll be forever indebted! Thank you Cx
Denise says:
Great to hear you are back on track. Well done Clare you deserve it.
    Clare x says:
    I was never off track, just on a different one - thanks
Becky Shaw says:
Really lovely to read Clare, I’m so pleased for you and YES you deserve all of it. I took a massive step work wise last year and have zero regrets, and I’m living in the moment for the first time! Can’t wait for the next update. X
    Clare x says:
    Thanks Lovely Cx
Tim says:
Still think of you