A year since my Relationship breakup 

12 months, 52 weeks or 365 days ish…  So it’s a year (!!) Since my world fell apart…. and I experience my relationship breakup

Wow it’s hard to imagine it’s been that long. I’m just VERY happy and glad it’s not this time last year.

I left on 12th August 2016 and such a lot has happened in that time! I’ve almost had the firsts of everything I guess.

The first holiday, the first Christmas, Easter, Birthday and all those other things, big and small.

(Oh and it’s nearly a year of those horrendous Facebook memories that pop up on your time line and kill you everyday – I never figured out  how to turn those bloody things off)

So how do I feel after my relationship breakup?

Oh that’s hard. To be honest I’m not sure….. bruised, tired, exhausted, changed. (My world fell apart, did it?) I’m not the same person that’s for sure.

I’m different, trying to figure out if that’s good or bad, is also hard. I have thought so so much, so much so that my brain is tired.

I have a very sad heart for what could have been. Deep down I still feel that this is so wrong. I think it’s fair to say the whole event traumatised me – yes it’s a strong word, but it was a strong reaction.

Trying to hang on for dear life. 

Whether we acknowledge it or not, what one goes through strongly affects who we are and who we’re destined to become.

However one of my massive fears was of losing other relationships in the wake of our split, I am pleased to say, this  didn’t happen and this makes me very happy.

It’s not the same obviously,  but I still see those special people and often and always will.

In this life you can never say never, I’ve said that before. No one knows what’s round that next corner.

I’m certainly much further forward now

I’ve picked myself up, I’ve established a new life of sorts. A life that’s different, exciting and lovely in many ways I guess and at times also a tad lonely. But hey it’s only 12 little months.

I’m a deep person, I can’t just shrug stuff off, I’m an over-thinker. I have to slowly process, think things through and regulate my thoughts and then mull some more.

For sure I know I have done nothing to be ashamed off. I did NOTHING wrong – that in itself has taken me some time to come to terms with.

I’m comfortable with my reaction and my behaviour and I’m proud that I handled it with dignity.

At times I wished I’d gone ballistic, I wrote a lot of letters, but they never got sent.  

And in a way I think that’s harder – kicking screaming like a banshie woman might have released some of that pent up anger and frustration.

But looking back I’m proud I didn’t. I got myself turned around – on my own! (well almost).

But still I have bad days and I was chatting with a male friend about this; sometimes it’s not the big stuff , it’s those small moments that sneak up on you, that catch you and you feel it in the pit of your stomach….

Sunday nights are still rubbish for me.

Being in certain places in London – that does it for me too, certain songs -all the usual stuff.

The future after a relationship breakup 

I’m not madly in love with a new squeeze,  but I have met a couple of lovely people and I feel a lot of love from a lot of different people.

I’ve had some really lovely times this past year, times that wouldn’t have happened I guess had this life change  not happened. I’ve reconnected with the past too – oh yes I have 🙂  – and it feels so so good!

Getting used to being single is weird and acclimatisation takes a lot of time.

I went through a stage of deep anger, but I’ve also lost that too. The sort of anger where you want to physically shake the person in front of you.

I still feel it’s all very unjust and I still pray for Karma but not for who you might think. And I’m pleased to report I heard a little Karma hit already, sorry but it made me smile and it made me feel good. Is that bad?

I’m not a nasty person at all but you know people have to take responsibility for the things they do.

Why should they get off scot free??? My view – what goes around comes around…..

Friends?

So my Ex and I are still very good friends, some people seem to struggle with this? (A lot)

But do you know I really don’t. People say it’ll stop me moving on – I say this is not the case at all!

And it’s up to us to decide how it is. We grew up together and we have a lot of shared history. At the end of the day we were together for 23 years for a reason and that doesn’t just go away.

As long as I’m ok with that then it’s my choice.

For quite a while I wondered if that last 23 years of my life were wasted and this really upset me, it kept me awake at night and I shed a lot of tears behind closed doors.  

Then I realised slowly that actually I wouldn’t have missed those times for the world, they were the BEST and nothing or no one can steal those.

In that time I met people who mean the absolute world to me and those people will ALWAYS be in my life, that I know.

Comfort after my world fell apart 

My wonderful family, my darling loyal friends and my blog Easypeasylemonsqueezy have been my saviour.

At times I do not know what I would have done without them. I’m not that sure I’d be here without sounding too dramatic.

The break up was very traumatic and painful for me. I have some dear dear friends in my life I am blessed (3 of them are called Jane – collectively me’janes) who have held me up and made me smile.

They have celebrated and cried with me. Those are the people who count!

Excitement?

So today 12 months on I feel alive, I feel excited, I feel wanted. I enjoy dating (sometimes) but I know it’ll be a long time until I settle again. (Well I imagine so anyway).

The feelings of being completely at ease with someone – you know that ‘normal’ feeling, I now realise this may take a very long time for me.

I’ve also been thinking again about how short life is and I think  I can see myself with someone again. I think I have one last relationship in me 🙂 50 -70 perhaps …… who knows?!

When I think about it I have laughed a lot this year and I’ve had some great great times.

My 50th was a blast (still is) and I wasn’t looking forward to this half century without my ex – however I really did have the most amazing time.

So again something to learn …. good times can roll even when you think they might not!

Life after a relationship breakup 

My dating exploits have been quite hilarious and they continue to be! My friend and I have and are often  literally doubled over laughing – so hard! Laughing until we cried! (Hannah)

Interestingly I laugh a lot now?

I live in my dream house albeit alone but I’ve finally found my home at last. It’s been very important for me to feel comfortable, I’m cancerian and I’m loving making it my own and sitting in the garden with friends and entertaining.

Moving 10 miles away had it’s challenges,  a place where I knew very few people.

I now have lovely friends and neighbours and my home is coming along just fine, I’m truly happy there! Joy!

(Plans are in for an EPLS Kitchen extension!)

Time

Time supposedly heals all wounds, but sometimes wounds leave scars as my lovely friend told me. When I look back on the past, it still hurts.

Looking back forces you to relive what happened. It’s like rewatching the sad part of a movie: Even though you’ve already seen it and know what’s going to happen, it can still leave you very sad. 

Whether we acknowledge it or not, what we go through strongly affects who we are and who we’re destined to become.

Occasionally I hear or am told I ‘should have moved on by now’ or that ‘there are plenty fish in the sea,’ or that ‘Time heals all wounds’ – easy words and a lot of truth there.

BUT life is complex and intricate and these sweeping statements don’t help all the time, really they don’t.

Those who have been there or are there will know, those who haven’t don’t quite understand when a life falls apart.

Forward

So we move forward. (the only thing one can do) But going forward means coming from somewhere, and that somewhere stays with us even if we have already physically left.

So to the next 12 months – quite an adventure ahead I feel… both for me and definitely for Easypeasylemonsqueezy – my blog, my saviour <3

So it’s a year (!!) Since my relationship breakup …. and here I am

And to those who wonder why I write these posts.

It’s basically to connect to people who have been there, or who are there and to  articulate these feelings and to share – because once it’s down on paper it feels somehow processed.

Please drop me a comment – I do so love to hear from you guys

This may well be my last Relationship Breakup post – maybe Cx My world fell apart – really in did

And if you’re wondering what all this is about reading my first ever relationship post Affairs of the Heart might help

 

Love as always Cx