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So it’s a year (!!) Since my world fell apart….

12 months, 52 weeks or 365 days ish…  So it’s a year (!!) Since my world fell apart….Wow it’s hard to imagine it’s been that long. I’m just VERY happy and glad it’s not this time last year. I left on 12th August 2016 and such a lot has happened in that time! I’ve almost had the firsts of everything I guess. The first holiday, the first Christmas, Easter, Birthday and all those other things, big and small. (Oh and it’s nearly a year of those horrendous Facebook memories that pop up on your time line and kill you everyday – I never figured out  how to turn those bloody things off)

So how do I feel? Oh that’s hard. To be honest I’m not sure….. bruised, tired, exhausted, changed. I’m not the same person that’s for sure. I’m different, trying to figure out if that’s good or bad, is also hard. I have thought so so much, so much so that my brain is tired. I have a very sad heart for what could have been. I still feel deep down that this is still wrong. I think it’s fair to say the whole event traumatised me – yes it’s a strong word, but it was a strong reaction. Trying to hang on for dear life. Whether we acknowledge it or not, what one goes through strongly affects who we are and who we’re destined to become.

However one of my massive fears was of losing other relationships in the wake of our split, I am pleased to say, this  didn’t happen and this makes me very happy. It’s not the same obviously,  but I still see those special people and often and always will.

In this life you can never say never, I’ve said that before. No one knows what’s round that next corner. I’m certainly much further forward now. I’ve picked myself up, I’ve established a new life of sorts. A life that’s different, exciting and lovely in many ways I guess and at times also a tad lonely. But hey it’s only 12 little months. I’m a deep person, I can’t just shrug stuff off, I’m an over-thinker. I have to slowly process, think things through and regulate my thoughts and then mull some more. I know for sure I have nothing to be ashamed off. I did NOTHING wrong – that in itself has taken me some time to come to terms with. I’m comfortable with my reaction and my behaviour and I’m proud that I handled it with dignity. At times I wished I’d gone ballistic, I wrote a lot of letters, but they never got sent.  And in a way I think that’s harder – kicking screaming like a banshie woman might have released some of that pent up anger and frustration. But looking back I’m proud I didn’t. I got myself turned around – on my own! (well almost). But still I have bad days and I was chatting with a male friend about this; sometimes it’s not the big stuff , it’s those small moments that sneak up on you, that catch you and you feel it in the pit of your stomach…. Sunday nights are still rubbish for me. Being in certain places in London – that does it for me too, certain songs -all the usual stuff.

I’m not madly in love with a new squeeze,  but I have met a couple of lovely people and I feel a lot of love from a lot of different people. I’ve had some really lovely times this past year, times that wouldn’t have happened I guess had this life change  not happened. I’ve reconnected with the past too – oh yes I have :-)  – and it feels so so good! Getting used to being single is weird and acclimatisation takes a lot of time.

I went through a stage of deep anger, but I’ve also lost that too. The sort of anger where you want to physically shake the person in front of you. I still feel it’s all very unjust and I still pray for Karma but not for who you might think. And I’m pleased to report I heard a little Karma hit already, sorry but it made me smile and it made me feel good. Is that bad? I’m not a nasty person at all but you know people have to take responsibility for the things they do. Why should they get off scot free??? My view – what goes around comes around…..

So my Ex and I are still very good friends, some people seem to struggle with this? (A lot) But do you know I really don’t. People say it’ll stop me moving on – I say this is not the case at all! And it’s up to us to decide how it is. We grew up together and we have a lot of shared history. At the end of the day we were together for 23 years for a reason and that doesn’t just go away. As long as I’m ok with that then it’s my choice. For quite a while I wondered if that last 23 years of my life were wasted and this really upset me, it kept me awake at night and I shed a lot of tears behind closed doors.  Then I realised slowly that actually I wouldn’t have missed those times for the world, they were the BEST and nothing or no one can steal those. In that time I met people who mean the absolute world to me and those people will ALWAYS be in my life, that I know.

My wonderful family, my darling loyal friends and my blog Easypeasylemonsqueezy have been my saviour. At times I do not know what I would have done without them. I’m not that sure I’d be here without sounding too dramatic. The break up was very traumatic and painful for me. I have some dear dear friends in my life  I am blessed (3 of them are called Jane – collectively me’janes) who have held me up and made me smile. They have celebrated and cried with me. Those are the people who count!

So today 12 months on I feel alive, I feel excited, I feel wanted. I enjoy dating (sometimes) but I know it’ll be a long time until I settle again. (Well I imagine so anyway). The feelings of being completely at ease with someone – you know that ‘normal’ feeling, I now realise this may take a very long time for me. I’ve also been thinking again about how short life is and I think  I can see myself with someone again. I think I have one last relationship in me :-) 50 -70 perhaps …… who knows?!

When I think about it I have laughed a lot this year and I’ve had some great great times. My 50th was a blast (still is) and I wasn’t looking forward to this half century without my ex – however I really did have the most amazing time. So again something to learn …. good times can roll even when you think they might not! My dating exploits are quite hilarious and my friend and I have literally been doubled over laughing so hard! Laughing until we cried! (Hannah) Interestingly I laugh a lot now?

I live in my dream house albeit alone but I’ve finally found my home at last. It’s been very important for me to feel comfortable, I’m cancerian and I’m loving making it my own and sitting in the garden with friends and entertaining. Moving 10 miles away had it’s challenges,  a place where I knew very few people. I now have lovely friends and neighbours and my home is coming along just fine, I’m truly happy there! Joy! (Plans are in for an EPLS Kitchen extension!)

Time supposedly heals all wounds, but sometimes wounds leave scars as my lovely friend told me. When I look back on the past, it still hurts. Looking back forces you to relive what happened. It’s like rewatching the sad part of a movie: Even though you’ve already seen it and know what’s going to happen, it can still leave you very sad. Whether we acknowledge it or not, what we go through strongly affects who we are and who we’re destined to become.

Occasionally I hear or am told I ‘should have moved on by now’ or that ‘there are plenty fish in the sea,’ or that ‘Time heals all wounds’ – easy words and a lot of truth there, BUT life is complex and intricate and these sweeping statements don’t help all the time. Those who have been there or are there will know, those who haven’t don’t quite understand.

So we move forward. (the only thing one can do) But going forward means coming from somewhere, and that somewhere stays with us even if we have already physically left.

So to the next 12 months – quite an adventure ahead I feel… both for me and definitely for Easypeasylemonsqueezy – my blog, my saviour <3

And to those who wonder why I write these posts, It’s to connect to people who have been there, or who are there and to  articulate these feelings and to share – because once it’s down on paper it feels somehow processed.

Please drop me a comment – I do so love to hear from you guys

This may well be my last Relationship Breakup post – maybe Cx

Love as always Cx

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Comments

Julia says:
What a fantastic piece of writing Care. Full
Claire says:
I love reading your break up stories to see how life changes so quickly for good and bad reasons. Many can relate to your feelings having lost loved ones in many different circumstances. Thanks for opening up your feelings to share.
Clare x says:
Thanks - it's tough but it's not impossible - I've moved so far on in these last 12 months (and having fun) - you get to a point where you're just sad it happened and you're sad it's broken xxx
Paul Yates says:
It's just heartfelt and truthful and hits every single step of your journey Angel 😇 You don't need to justify why you write your works of magic you just are saying it how it is and the peaks and troughs !! Stay strong through the mass of little traumas and breathe deeply through the big ones !! You are an inspiration and a wonderful Lady and you deserve every happiness ❤️
    Clare x says:
    Too kind! x
Andy says:
Quite simply...you blog like Emilie sings. Yes, that good!
    Clare x says:
    Wow - that's a compliment I'll take <3 x
Jane. No. 3 says:
Darling Clare... What can I say except I'm totally humbled to read your words, we have become friends in a relatively short space of time & im honoured to have thst friendship, you are an extraordinary woman, loving & generous, & obviously sexy curvy. I believe everything happpens for a reason, one day hopefully all will be revealed, I do know though that it's his loss.
Anonymous says:
It cut me off ... Anyway you're bloody fabulous, smart, sassy & super smiley, There are some wonderful times ahead for you, it's written in the stars. Shine bright sweetheart . Your mate Jane x
    Clare x says:
    Thank you No 3 x right back at you
Steph Fulton says:
Just wow. What a great, honest, raw piece of writing. Amazing. You've come a long way. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us, as well as the fantastic recipes. It takes courage to have done this. This new chapter in your book of life is only just starting. Xxxx ps my middle name is Jane ;)
Lisa says:
Good on you Clare - life is here to be lived and it's so great to see that you are so determined to do that. You will meet somebody but only when you're ready - at there is no time scales involved - instead just go about your everyday life and enjoy every precious second of it xoxoxo
Amanda falconer says:
Stand proud lovely lady ...Emotive read .. 💜 Those who make passing comments "You should have moved on by now" "Plenty more fish" Remember it's only a comment .. don't give it any weight any time of thought .. Keep all the precious time ahead for you .. I've been there and reflect happily back BUT now run forward
Adèle says:
Eloquent, moving, revealing, expressive, sensitive and a.. and depth of feeling that we all need to be reminded and aware that people have/are/will go through this traumatic experience of a relationship breakdown
Abigale NR says:
Just read this blog and then lots of your others too, you are so inspirational! Love your style and your attitude. You are so right, no one knows what's around the corner and I sometimes find myself worrying about a load of situations that may or may not happen in my future but actually reading this makes me feel so optimistic about life in general. So, for whatever is around that corner, you've taught me that with the right mind-set there is always hope! I shall always bear this in mind! Thank you x I'm so pleased to have had that little read ! Good luck with everything, you seem like a wonderful person and I feel like from reading your blogs I already know you xx
    Clare x says:
    Thank you - what lovely words - it makes all this worthwhile - just keep on being fabulous - it's all we can do x
A fellow sailor in the ship of 12 months since life crashed says:
My sister recommended your blog to me, shortly after your first break up post as I was struggling through the same situation. It's been heartwarming to read about your progress and although I don't feel I have moved on as much as you, I have walked a long way down the road of recovery. I have crawled some of it, I have to admit, and I have been known to partake in the odd skip, but I still have a way to go! Twelve months is a short time when you have been together for decades but, like you, I have survived the 'firsts' and cried at the Facebook memories. My friends and family have kept me sane (and possibly out of prison ;-) ). Thank you for your blog, thank you for your honesty and thank you for your bravery. The recipes are great too!!! Good luck to you xxx
    Clare x says:
    Oh lovely - I have good times - really good times. BUT like you say 12 months is nothing xxx good luck and keep in touch x
Tracey britten says:
I absolutely love reading your blogs! I love you! I love that you are so honest and share with us your life as well as your brilliant cooking! I can't wait to see you again! It's been too long. And I am mostly excited about your eps kitchen! Omg! You know me now - keep going, keep smiling, keep looking forward and most of all keep focused on all the good stuff happening - even when life around us seems bad it can still be so good xxxxxx
Jules says:
Have been following this story as it follows mine almost to the same timeline - my 'surprise' break up came last June, totally out of the blue, from who I thought was my lifetime partner. Like you I have questioned myself (although again totally not my doing/decision) I have had black moments, I have had laughter, I have had deep, sobbing tears. I haven't quite got to the braving dating again yet, but am beginning to feel perhaps I am ready (although you do permanently think, was I wrong, did I do something wrong - although assured not). I am also friends with my ex - which other people have struggled with and have said will ruin me but like you, it's how I want to deal with it and if at some point it makes me feel terribly uncomfortable then I will change that. And the waiting for Karma....I hear you and have also had a few smug smiles on my face. So I wish you well ..us well....and hope as we are promised we will learn from these life experiences but enjoy the wonderful memories we have. Stay strong lovely lady.
    Clare x says:
    WE will learn darling! Now get out there and shine x
Vicky says:
I'm there at the moment too!! I'm so glad i read your blog as it's helped me understand things a little better. I too get on with my ex (there are 3 kids involved) to which this helps them enormously. As you say other people seem to have a problem with this but for now it works. People think that we're getting on so we must be getting back together! This is not the case. My life has changed enormously this year and i'm enjoying every minute of it. The kids have settled and our home is a relaxed atmosphere. Like you, I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and i hope your '50-70' journey is full of happiness and good health. Xx
    Clare x says:
    I'm so so please to hear that - as I said before - just keep on being fabulous xxx
Karen says:
Hi Clare ive known you a very long time we grew up together, you were part of a very close very strong family, they have made you what you are today a very strong intelligent woman, you are fantastic at what you do and you have been very truthful amd honest with your break up blogs I have shed a tear for you darling
    Clare x says:
    <3
Honest Mum says:
So moving honey, you are so brave. Anger is normal as is going at your own pace with your emotions. No one else knows what feels right but you. Be kind to yourself and know that being brave, sharing your journey will be helping many others, lots of love xxx
Lucy At Home says:
I don't think you can put a timescale on things like this. It sounds to me like you're doing amazingly well and you should be very proud of yourself for being so strong and coming so far. I think your worries and anger are very normal, but I'm also glad that you're now carving out a new life for yourself. #brillblogposts
    Clare x says:
    Thank you - I'm trying x
Susie / So Happy In Town says:
Wow, you've come so far in 12 months and sound so positive and strong. I love that you have these amazing friends who have propped you up and you took the really brave decision to move 10 miles away where you didn't know anyone but have obviously carved out a new life for yourself. You must be so proud of yourself and sounds like you've got an awful lot of good times ahead of you. #brillblogposts
    Clare x says:
    Thank you
Cocktail Queen says:
You are such a talented writer - god knows how you manage to tell things so honestly and in a way peeps can relate to so easily and get such support from - love you 💕💕
    Clare x says:
    Thanks darling - I do love to write x
Victoria says:
Very truthful and honest- great read! x
Anonymous says:
I won't forget that fateful Sunday when we sat and your world fell apart. In some ways it seems such a long time ago but actually I can't believe it was a year ago. Times have been tough for you this last year but I hope you've realised what a strong, independent and lovable (with or without a significant other) you are. Keep it up and enjoy the freedom to be yourself. Love our friendship, through ups and downs and know you'll be there for me too whenever I need it. Loadsa bestie love x x x 💕
    Clare x says:
    God yes - that Sunday - I was in a daze Cx thanks of all the love and cuddles darling x and obvs I'd be there for you! Never doubt x
Clare x says:
Hi - I van pass your message on - its come through as anonymous - do you want me to say who it is? x
Anonymous says:
Hi Hun love your posts ie been there too and yes I believe in karma and yes a certain someone got the karma they deserved