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Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy
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Am I OK?
Darling @Honestmum on Twitter just asked me – ‘are you ok?’ I got to thinking – am I?
Following on from the massive response I had to the first post ‘Affairs of the Heart’ here’s a follow up!
Woah it’s been a whole 5 months since my life changed dramatically and I ask myself – am I ok? So I thought I’d try and write it all down and give you an update on where I am right now and see if any of you feel like me? Or have felt like me? Also selfishly writing helps me to document and clarify stuff! Sorry you get to read it!
Today I’m really not OK – not sure why; but generally I think I’m doing ok in the grand scheme of things. My life is super super busy, is that a good thing? Sometimes I wonder if being this busy is good or not?! I’m doing some really exciting and wonderful things, through work (I love my job and I have a new little challenge with a new division of our company) through the blog (I love my blog and my traffic has doubled – yes doubled – in the last two months!) With friends (I love my friends, great nights out doing lovely things and they have been my saviours) with family (I adore and love my family) (get the idea?) I now laugh a lot and I’m pretty proud of myself and how I’m doing (mostly).
BUT something feels amiss , seems the glue is missing maybe (?) to stick all this stuff together into a perfect picture. On the face of it my life is pretty ok and I’m one lucky lady and for that I am thankful; I can do pretty much anything I want and anything I like (within reason).
I am trying to build a beautiful home, slowly – this is giving me a place to try and recover. My home (I’m a cancerarian) is so important to me and I promised myself 6 months ago we would build the most beautiful place, everything in the house would be either beautiful or useful. I’ve stuck to this and I’m getting there. It’s strange doing it on your own, choosing things etc BUT everyone who visits says how homely and warm it is and I feel it too = good. This is my aim – to be totally comfortable here and surround myself with REAL stuff (I don’t mean fancy material stuff either), memories, things that mean something. A place to basically recover, display my life now and for the future.
So why do I feel a little out of control? The tears have stopped in the main (just not today – they won’t stop, how strange). I know I am blessed, I am pretty well health wise (I have my challenges with some things – long story), I have no financial issues (I work bloody hard) I have an amazing circle of people around me – yet something is not quite right.
I know, I know – it’s early days……
And yes I know time is the ultimate healer…..
In the last couple of months I have had some dates – yes really (some fun – some not so) I have reconnected with some people who I had lost touch with – this is nice! I have time for long baths and I’m not forever pairing socks!
I have my ex as my best friend – we’ve done the shouting, screaming (mainly me) the throwing of cruel words (Words have come out my mouth which I didn’t think possible from a generally rational person). We’ve had the joint tears, the squeezes, the reminiscing. Why am I not that angry? I don’t know. I guess I’ve lost my partner, I don’t want to lose my best friend in the process. Is it possible to be best mates? I guess time will tell. Some people are astonished that I can be so calm, some people think I have forgiven – this is not the case. But life is complicated, life twists and turns and no one, no one at all knows what is around that next corner.
It’s so damm complicated this life! Should it be this complicated? How is life supposed to be? Can anyone know?
So as we approach the dreaded festive season I am filled with dread on one hand but looking forward on the other – it’ll be tough. But I need to dig deep and get through it (or open the gin)!
Next year is a massive year for me personally and for Easypeayslemonsqueezy! – I have a milestone birthday (as does my best mate) We’ve already planned a few trips and nights out – this is good, planing is good for me right now …
So another update on the other side I think ….. and let’s march forth to 2017 – one way or another it’s coming!
So am I OK? I have to be…..
Thanks for your support you lovely people
Big Love Cx