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Am I OK?

November 2016

Darling @Honestmum on Twitter just asked me – ‘are you ok?’ I got to thinking – am I?

Following on from the massive response I had to the first post ‘Affairs of the Heart’ here’s a follow up!

Woah it’s been a whole 5 months since my life changed dramatically and I ask myself – am I ok? So I thought I’d try and write it all down and give you an update on where I am right now and see if any of you feel like me? Or have felt like me? Also selfishly writing helps me to document and clarify stuff! Sorry you get to read it!

Today I’m really not OK – not sure why;  but generally I think I’m doing ok in the grand scheme of things. My life is super super busy, is that a good thing? Sometimes I wonder if being this busy is good or not?! I’m doing some really exciting and wonderful things, through work (I love my job and I have a new little challenge with a new division of our company) through the blog (I love my blog and my traffic has doubled – yes doubled – in the last two months!) With friends (I love my friends, great nights out doing lovely things and they have been my saviours) with family (I adore and love my family) (get the idea?) I now laugh a lot and I’m pretty proud of myself and how I’m doing (mostly).

BUT something feels amiss , seems the glue is missing maybe (?) to stick all this stuff together into a perfect picture. On the face of it my life is pretty ok and I’m one lucky lady and for that I am thankful; I can do pretty much anything I want and anything I like (within reason).

I am trying to build a beautiful home, slowly – this is giving me a place to try and recover. My home (I’m a cancerarian) is so important to me and I promised myself 6 months ago we would build the most beautiful place, everything in the house would be either beautiful or useful. I’ve stuck to this and I’m getting there. It’s strange doing it on your own, choosing things etc BUT everyone who visits says how homely and warm it is and I feel it too = good. This is my aim – to be totally comfortable here and surround myself with REAL stuff (I don’t mean fancy material stuff either), memories, things that mean something.  A place to basically recover, display my life now and for the future.

So why do I feel a little out of control? The tears have stopped in the main  (just not today – they won’t stop, how strange). I know I am blessed, I am pretty well health wise (I have my challenges with some things – long story), I have no financial issues (I work bloody hard) I have an amazing circle of people around me – yet something is not quite right.

I know, I know – it’s early days……

And yes I know time is the ultimate healer…..

In the last couple of months I have had some dates – yes really :-) (some fun – some not so) I have reconnected with some people who I had lost touch with – this is nice! I have time for long baths and I’m not forever pairing socks!

I have my ex as my best friend – we’ve done the shouting, screaming (mainly me) the throwing of cruel words (Words have come out my mouth which I didn’t think possible from a generally rational person). We’ve had the joint tears, the squeezes, the reminiscing. Why am I not that angry? I don’t know. I guess I’ve lost my partner, I don’t want to lose my best friend in the process. Is it possible to be best mates? I guess time will tell. Some people are astonished that I can be so calm, some people think I have forgiven – this is not the case. But life is complicated, life twists and turns and no one, no one at all knows what is around that next corner.

It’s so damm complicated this life! Should it be this complicated? How is life supposed to be? Can anyone know?

So as we approach the dreaded festive season I am filled with dread on one hand but looking forward on the other – it’ll be tough. But I need to dig deep and get through it (or open the gin)!

Next year is a massive year for me personally and for Easypeayslemonsqueezy!  – I have a milestone birthday (as does my best mate) We’ve  already planned a few trips and nights out  – this is good, planing is good for me right now …

So another update on the other side I think ….. and let’s march forth to 2017 – one way or another it’s coming!

So am I OK? I have to be…..

Thanks for your support you lovely people

Big Love Cx

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Comments

Susan says:
Your a tough cookie Clare . You'll get there 😘😘😘♥️♥️💐💐💐💐💐
Katherine Morfin says:
You are doing brilliant, keep going sis you have so much to look forward to - here's to 2017! 😘 Xx
Honest mum says:
Be kind to yourself, you are human, you are bound to have bad days but look at the overall picture and how well you are doing. Sending love x
Andy says:
You write beautifully, and with time and patience you'll be fine. Maybe some Emilie to help you along your way...? x
Claire says:
You are an inspiration Clare - you are amazing ! 💕 Xx
Anonymous says:
Yes am I Ok ... 4 yrs down the line .. not been on any dates. .. Yes my friends think I am mad to still talk to him ... Yes it gets easier the loneliness does not though . U write super . U will be fine . We have no choice .. x
Carolynne Bell says:
This is your life, your path to follow. The bad days are part of the healing process ( they make you stronger) and allow you to appreciate the good days. We all have those times in life when tears flow for no reason, embrace them, learn from them and move on!!! Be kind to yourself 5 months is no time at all, look at how far you have come in that time and be proud of yourself. Take each day at a time. You are surrounded by so many lovely people.... enjoy them they will get you through the festive season. Each milestone you face as a first will pass and they will stop being a point of fear. So prepare and enjoy fill your home with those whom you love and laugh lots. Much love you're doing brilliantly from this view 💖💖xxx
Vic says:
You have been so amazingly strong and very proud of you!! Just keep taking each day as it comes and things will continue to get easier - you definitely shouldn't beat yourself up over a few blips along the way, as you say it's still so raw, but you are doing brilliantly 😃 Lots of love xx
Jane says:
You're doing the right thing 'counting your blessings' and staying positive. Don't let the odd day feeling low drag you down, remember we all have those even when things are good. You're entitled to that. Thanks for still giving us EPLS. My cooking repertoire has never been so good 😉 Lotsa love and cuddles x
Denise says:
You are allowed down days - you are human. Your secret is that you pick yourself up the next day and try again. Well done you. Xx
Carole Tomei says:
I think when you have a very busy life it's easy to pretend that things are "ok". It's in the quiet moments that that things catch up with you. You need to grieve for what was but look forward to what will be.
Mel says:
Yes it's tough, yes you are busy and amazing. Yes you have some amazing friends and family. You have been let down by the one person who truly shouldn't have done. It's all changed, life is different!! You are experiencing different emotions but at the end of the day you are an awesome woman full of ambition and drive and motivation. You inspire and get on with it. You deserve someone equally as special and it will happen when you are ready. Life is full of crap, we learn from both our mistakes and the mistakes of others which means we blossom into even more beautiful butterflies. You will get there one step back and leap forward 💕💕💕
Jane Kelly says:
You have so much, not what you were expecting and what is so important is that you appreciate it. Take care and perhaps one day we rill meet. Seeing Tracey Britten this week. X
Jane Kelly says:
You have so much, not what you were expecting and what is so important is that you appreciate it. Take care and perhaps one day we will meet. Seeing Tracey Britten this week. X
Anonymous says:
I have no idea how you can forgive, I could not and have not after many years together and after knowing there is other people involved. We have choices in this life, and those choices make us who we are. Maybe a mid life crisis, but is that ok? I personally would get along for the sake of other people known jointly, I cannot forget or forgive. It is certainly not right for someone you love and trust to play at your emotions. Remember the good times, learn from the bad, but to me those people do not deserve a place in my life any more. However I do know that people can get along if needed, not sure about having them as a friend, as again that trust, but we are all different. I think you are doing very well, but enjoying you and moving forward is the way to go. Cry, laugh, hate, and say as many bad words as you want, you deserve to let go of emotions, you deserve to be you. I have never met a strong person with an easy past… maybe you are destined for more than you realise!?
    Clare x says:
    Thanks for this Anonymous - I guess we are all different as you say - and one thing i personally have realised over the year is - never say never - and sometime things happen for reasons beyond our knowledge Cx
five little doves says:
You sound like such a strong lady, it's normal to have bad days but you're doing so well. Keep going! #Brilliantblogposts
neil says:
Now if there's a smile on my face It's only there tryin' to fool the public Putting on a brave face is so exhausting allow yourself to have a good weep now and again it works for me.
Jim C says:
The man who always gives inXX
Sandra says:
We can all have tough days love, everyone has challenges in their lives, some tougher than others. You are an inspiration to us all! Life is precious as well you know, keep it up girl