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10 months later…. update on recovery

May 2017

OOOh I feel a change, I feel a transition and I feel, quite honestly, a tad frustrated. And you know what I thought I’d share my thoughts with you. Open up and try and get it on paper. I know blogging isn’t for everyone and I know some people think it’s strange I share much of my life (not all – trust me :-) ) but why not share? – I think I’m a pretty straightforward sort of gal – nothing special.  So if I can connect with anyone (even just one person) also handling this stuff and show it’s normal (?) all these feelings  – then these posts are worth it! It helps me too…..

Why isn’t it over ? Why can’t one just recover? I guess it’s a process? People keep telling me it is and I keep telling myself this too. But boy it’s a bloody long and difficult one. Will I ever be the same again? I actually don’t think I will. It’s not to be pessimistic but I’m not sure you can go through big things in life (where you literally hurt in every ounce of your being)  and remain the same person. Maybe you become a better version of yourself, I hope so anyway.

Hopefully you grow? – and hopefully you evolve into a butterfly. My biggest fear is that one becomes bitter. I don’t feel bitter now, but I do feel things are very unjust. I don’t feel sorry for myself, why should I?  I am blessed with an amazing amount of people and love in my life, friends, family and my  health is ok ish etc.

BUT there is something missing, I’ve tried to pretend there isn’t. I say there isn’t,  but I can’t pretend any further. I  pretend it’s all fine BUT there is a piece of me missing – a piece called, possibly, ‘belonging’ it’s hard to describe. And I’m not sure of the way to try and describe it either.

I am privileged to do some amazing things. I have a good job and a lovely blog which gives me opportunities to do some really cool stuff and the means, through hard work, to take nice holidays, live in a nice place etc. I have family & friends who I adore. And don’t misunderstand I have great times now, times where I laugh so much it hurts. I’m able to spend time with lovely people and do just what the hell I like when I like. And sometimes I’m even excited for the life ahead.

However life feels a little like its compartmentalised. With very high highs and some low, sad, lost times. I am trying to learn to transition from very busy  (manic) to being alone, from very high exciting times to times of laying on the sofa. There seems to be nothing ‘in-between’ in my life. I also feel my mood changing with tiredness and tiredness can actually make things a whole lot worse, I have to try and get more sleep. I’ve talked at length about balance before. And I’m still searching for it.

I’ll be honest I am mortified that I have been so let down, there it is,  I’ve said it. I’m traumatised (Yes traumatised, it keeps me awake at night) that I got it so wrong… but did I? Was the last quarter century of my life real? In moments of pure clarity I know it was. But there are times when I do think – was it all a waste? But then I look at the things I have gained in this time, the people I met, the relationships with my in-law family and I realised it was not a waste at all and I would not have missed it for the world. To received the below from someone you helped raise is a sign that ‘she’ is possibly one of my proudest achievements. Maybe I was supposed to be there at that time?

IMG_3753

Please be assured this is not a ‘poor me’ script – not my style at all! I am truly thankful for all that I have! And I know I’m lucky in so many many ways.

Lots of people keep calling me a ‘WARRIOR.’ You know what, it is the perfect word to describe how I feel. I am battling through loads of stuff. I am battling for a new life. Some of it is pretty easy most of the time, but there are times when it’s not. It’s times when you make plans and then the person cannot make it. That is especially when it gets to me. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s totally normal that things change and people have to do other things, I’ve done it myself where I’ve had to cancel etc. at the last minute. It happens. But these are the precise times that it gets me. That feeling of being lost, where your mood drops and you feel let down, not intentionally obviously by the people who have had to let you down or change plans. I think this is pretty normal.

I sometimes feel it at the most bizarre times (this feeling I can’t describe ‘loneliness’ isn’t right as it doesn’t cut it) This weekend, on Sunday – when I was walking around Tesco’s – I felt it then…. When the guy taking me for dinner couldn’t make it – I felt it then….. On  Sunday evening… I felt it then…..

But then I have a friend visit, who’s oh so lovely, he helps me with my house, my garden, he listens to my dreams, talks to me and who holds me tight and then things seem ok and I don’t feel lost?? Bizarre isn’t it! So is it just caring and affection from a male I seek? Am I that shallow? – oh bloody hell who knows??? Or am I just being very honest? I have realised how important it is for me to feel loved and adored by a man. Is that odd? It’s the truth…. I want to be on his list and if not at the top then at least up there…. Is that too much to ask? I need guys to be upfront, I’m not into games…..

And so to a little more about men, well, I could simply write a mahooosive and hillarious post about dating in your late 40’s. Maybe one day. In honesty I  have had a few dates and I have met some lovely guys over the last few months (some are now friends – some not :-) ) But it’s hard to start again. It’s hard to have the courage and desire to start all over again. It’s exciting though and massive amounts of fun……..  at times.

Maybe I just need to lie down in a dark room for a while and muster the energy for the emotional journey lol!! I think I am ready now at least to open up  to the possibilities and to move the f**k on! I’m trying to build my NEW normal I guess and readjust to it, maybe I should just be more patient? – but maybe that’s not me.

So almost a year down the line. I wonder what’s next? As I said the excitement of being single is crazy good, but it is inevitably  mixed with that ‘belonging’ word I can’t describe …… Hey ho! So you can see how busy my head is can’t you….

So let me know any views, comments or ideas. I do so love the interaction. Did this post resonate, did it help? Can you ‘get-it’ or am I talking mumbo jumbo?? Let me know

Massive Love to you all Cx

(For those of you reading my blog for the first time – maybe catch Affairs of the heart post  – it might make a little more sense)

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

 

Comments

Vic says:
Very heartfelt and honest! 😘😘
Lesley says:
This bought a tear to my eye I must admit. I feel very lucky that I have had 41 happy years
Steph Fulton says:
I dig it. Spot on and no you are not shallow. You are human x
Tracey britten says:
Amazing blog clare - I can relate to so much of what you write but as you know in a different way but so similar - thank you for being so honest and sharing xxxxx
Gaye says:
You know life sends us these brick walls and when we knock them down we move on again until the next wall, each wall is for us to find ourselves and to know who we need in our life and leave behind those we don't, there is no set time you will know when you have demolished the last wall, then you can trul are and how far you have come, don't beat yourself up over this as this is all a part of finding the real y
corinne says:
You're right Clare, sometimes you can be the life and soul of any and all parties on offer (and it feels good) and other days you cant even do the first thing on that long list you were going to get through, you feel so empty!!What does the future hold? x
Hannah knott says:
Bloody hell! Had me crying with pride in the dentist! The looks 🙈 Love your honesty and you xxx
    Clare x says:
    And I love you too x
Carole Tomei says:
Firstly you are not talking mumbo jumbo. What comes across is that you are grieving for what was and that is so normal. We all need that someone in our life who makes us feel special it makes the world go round but take it very slowly. You are still fragile and a wounded heart takes a while to heal but you will recover.
Lucy says:
Very real! Although different circumstances I'm sure everyone can relate to this! xx
Gina says:
I can relate. After 20+ yrs of marriage. Gone. 12yrs for divorce. Been in new relationship for 7yrs. Best thing ever. New life. Never go back. There's only forward & rejoice. Alow yourself to get over it 1st. Your strong. You WILL be better for this experience. Xxx
Pen says:
I separated from my ex and the father of my son in February 2015. I have to say that 10 months on, the turn of the year into 2016, was a turning point for me too. 2015 was monumentally sh*t, 2016 was better, 2017 I have a load of other stuff to worry about. I don't think I will ever be the same again though, but that it not necessarily a bad thing. Thanks for sharing and yes, it did resonate. Pen x #brillblogposts
    Clare x says:
    Thanks Pen x
Honest Mum says:
Oh darling you have been through so much and big traumatic times take time to heal. Can you seek some help, therapy helped me hugely after my traumatic birth, sending hugs, you are a warrior xx
    Clare x says:
    Thanks darling - I'm ok - i think i just need time - or possibly Ryan Gosling??? x
Lucy At Home says:
Ah you write with such honesty. I can really imagine that losing your sense of belonging can be unsettling and tough #brillblogposts
Jane says:
Very heartfelt darling ...... you write in such an honest way xx
MyCityMyLondon says:
I hear you totally! single mum life isn't easy and you do get lonely! stay positive! I believe in that, good energy attracts good energy
Jane McCabe says:
You're stronger than you think <3 Enjoy your independence and show us all how it's done. Much admiration for going public with it x x x